No Shouting
I’d only been married a short time when we had our first argument. In four years of dating we’d never fought - a casual disagreement maybe, but no head-banging, door-slamming stuff. After we recovered from our first full-fledged fight, (no clue what it was about) and my husband said, “I don’t think there is ever a reason to raise your voice at another person.”
He’s wise and mellow. But just to argue, when a two year old is about to touch a hot oven, then it’s okay to shout. Or, when a seven year old is about to hit the car, parked in the driveway, with his bike that he let loose at the top of the drive, yeah, then I may yell. And sorry honey, but if you endanger the lives of the children or me or yourself, I’ll let loose on you like a woman withheld from chocolate. Luckily that hasn’t happened, yelling or chocolate deprivation. But John and I have both tried to heed his conviction. We aren’t a shouting family.
Graham, my third grader, occasionally plays at a home filled with loud people. I was shocked by their volume the first time I picked him up. The mom is loud. The kids are loud. A normal voice in that house equals my best combative tone. Graham doesn’t love playing there. It doesn’t help that I say, “Oh, the loud boy wants you to come over.”
My stain remover, sitting on that still nasty stationary tub, caught my eye today. Besides the obvious name, SHOUT, its TRIPLE ACTING qualities stood out: 1. Clings 2. Penetrates and 3. Lifts. Abusive tones do cling to us. We have a hard time forgiving someone who yells or belittles us. When I do raise my voice at the kids, their demeanor shrinks, as if they’ve been covered with something foul and sticky. Shouting also penetrates the whole family. Even if just one child is singled out for some infraction, everyone seems to get pierced with my mood. And, while for a few minutes the shouting may lift me to a place of self-importance, what goes up must come down. I feel awful after I’ve shouted at anyone.
Shouting feels like the quickest way to rid our kids or spouses of annoying behaviors. But I also use the presoak. Warm water, some suds. Sounds like a bath, but it is a good way to get rid of stains. Instead of screaming, I need to soak. Everyone reacts better when I breath deep and mellow for a few minutes before I react to overflowing trash, clothes-covered floors, cleats in the family room, and whining about vegetables. When I take a few minutes before I react or scold everyone seems happier. But it is easier said than done.
The trigger on my pre-treat bottle is so easy to pull. But I try not to use it, unless the stain is really horrific.
11 Responses to “No Shouting”
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October 18th, 2007 at 12:18 am
Your analogy made me laugh. Our first fight (one week of marriage) was about laundry detergent. He wanted Tide (the only one that cleans!) and I wanted All (because it was advertised for cold water and he insisted his t-shirts must be washed in cold water.) Ahh, breathing deeply before a response is something I have LEARNED to do. (learned the hard way.
PJ
October 18th, 2007 at 7:17 am
It is funny, the dumb things we have the energy to fight about when we are first married. Now it’s not even worth the trouble to argue about anything. We already know what the other one is going to say. And half the time, we’re too tired to notice or care when we are disagreeing, anyway.
October 18th, 2007 at 8:30 am
You are so right about shouting . . . especially on how it permeates to others in the family. My husband and I try to remember to “soak” when dealing with our sons because raising our voices just gets everyone upset (even those not involved). Of course, we are not perfect, but now I’m going to set my bottle of SHOUT out on the counter as a reminder! Thanks for those laundry lessons!!
October 18th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
I just LOVE how you tie things together. You truly are a great writer. And I agree whole-heartedly with you!!
- Audrey
October 18th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
What a warm, wonderful and wise mama (and person) you are!
Just today I used my pre-soak (but never thought of it that way until you mentioned it!) voice to my little grandson who had a little pee accident (well, I had told him to pee at least 10 times before the accident) on my favorite carpet.
He reacted to my pre-soak with genuine apology and love. The Shout would have soiled him more than words can explain.
Love your wisdom…
Sharon - Pinks & Blues Girls
October 19th, 2007 at 12:01 am
This is a great post! I love the presoak idea–I need to work on that! Between not sleeping well and preggo hormones, my shout trigger has been very easy to pull lately. I know it makes my kids cringe and the one inside can’t be loving it, either!
Tomorrow I’ll try chanting “gentle cycle, gentle cycle…”
October 19th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Linked to you over on my blog today. Hope you don’t mind! Again, great post!
October 21st, 2007 at 8:55 pm
You do such a wonderful job of blogging. The way you tie everything together is hilarious!
October 22nd, 2007 at 2:35 pm
SHHHHHH, no shouting.
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:43 pm
What a creative mind God has given you! Shout stain remover now has a whole new meaning to me. I always appreciate your insight!
Sandy
October 25th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
So true! I love your analogies! My husband and I aren’t yellers either, unless behind the wheel!